


Right in Front of Me

by Achilles1011



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F, Letters series, post 4x10
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-22 21:32:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7454635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Achilles1011/pseuds/Achilles1011
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Cosima is left alone in the yurt she cuts her hand checking on the cure and when she pulls her hand back she notices the familiar outline of a paper cut. With her curiosity getting the better of her she searches underneath her mattress for the papers that caused the cut what she finds is a series of letters address from Delphine to her and when she begins to worry about Delphine's absence she begins to read them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Right in Front of Me

**Author's Note:**

> This title is taken from the song I Found by Amber Run

****

Cosima groans, blinking as the inky blackness of sleep slowly fades away. The blurry colours of the world begin to come into the fuzzy focus she puts up with when she doesn’t have her glasses once more. Keeping an eye out for a distinct blob of blood she winces as she moves her hands below her. Her muscles are still aching as she tries to try to push herself into a sitting position. As she attempts to move though her arms begin to tremble as they take her weight, her jaw tensing and the muscles in her back locking into place so she doesn’t hurt herself. Cosima sighs as she lays herself back down her eyes darting around the room to try and catch sight of a familiar head of blond hair. She doesn't know how long it’s been since she'd last been awake last, but with Delphine's warning still echoing in her mind she keeps her voice quiet as she calls out, "Delphine?"

 

Cosima’s throat hurts from the dryness and she can hear her own voice come out as little more then a scratchy whisper. How long has she been out for this time?

 

She can't make out much of the shelter she's in but as she reaches towards the black blob on the bedside table she looks around. She can see enough of the brownish tangle of colours to know that there is no blonde haired blob inside. She slips her glasses on to her nose with one hand as the fingers of her other slip over the rough cotton below her. Cosima shivers as her bare shoulders slips out from under the covers piled on top of her. It’s colder then it was before. The light in the room is dimmer then she remembers from her earlier talk with Delphine.  

 

Cosima sighs as she quickly moves back under the covers, she doesn’t need to look around to know that the heat source is low. Shivering again she made a mental note to ask Delphine about acquiring some clothes, her underwear was nice and all but not really meant for roughing it. She turns her head gently from side-to-side taking a better look around the room she’s in. Her nose wrinkling as she notices the uncomfortably familiar feeling of cannula rubbing against her skin. As she tries to wave her right arm the familiar tugging sensation of an IV only makes Cosima sigh. She hesitates for a moment before sliding her free arm out from under the covers and begins to feel along the ground. A content hum escapes from her lips when she comes into contact with the sturdy plastic cover of the sample box. Moving her hand swiftly back up under the covers as she begins to shiver again a hiss of pain escapes her mouth as a familiar stinging sensation slices through her palm.  

 

With a sigh Cosima holds her hand up towards the weak light, the thin line bisecting the skin and a crimson drop of blood already apparent. She tilts her palm towards the light for a second, as she moves her head to the side to get a better look at the thin cut. Yep it was what she thought it was. But why would Delphine be hiding paper underneath the mattress? She hesitates for only a second before the small voice at the back of her head, already worrying about Delphine being gone drives her to take a further look. With some careful maneuvering she turns over onto her stomach. Sliding her hand under the thin mattress, and moving it back and forth she quickly comes across the smooth warmth of something that is not the metal bedframe. As she gingerly maneuvers her arm out from underneath her a swatch of folded papers comes into view.   

 

With a pounding heart she turns over what appear to be letters, her eyes quickly scanning the front. When she reads her name the blood in her veins runs cold and her hands tighten their grip on the letter. Delphine wouldn't have left without saying goodbye again would she? No it couldn't be... But even as Cosima's eyes frantically dart around the room she could see no signs of a note nothing that indicated that Delphine intended to be gone. Unless the thick note was in her hands.

 

Frantically she opens the note, almost tearing it with fingers shaking and clammy she begins to read.

_Dear Cosima,_

_That is how I believe you are supposed to start a letter in English non? I do not even know why I'm writing this to you. Perhaps it's because I miss you? Because I am alive even though I should be dead? I don't know, mon amour._

_So much has happened in the past months. So much has happened in the past year really. Ever since I meet you nothing has been the same, it could have been but because of decisions I made it is not and it will never be again. I cannot even begin to count the number of ways that my life has changed in the past year for both the good and the bad all because of the answer to a simple yes/no question. Did I want to monitor a clone? I said yes without hesitation because it would be a chance to advance my career and to advance the science._

_Now I feel as if my life has reached another point of change and after this nothing will be the same again. It is because I have learned some of the truth. After trying to unravel the complex web we found ourselves caught up in the truth has finally begun to appear. I do not know if this letter will ever reach you, truly I'm not even sure that I will see you again. If I do not and you receive this letter it may help you and your sisters find some answers if you haven’t found them for yourselves already. It may also help you to stop Neolution’s grand plan, although what that is I only have theories about._

_For now though I am going to tell you how I found myself here on the island_ _._

_This story begins with the night I said goodbye to you. Many things happened that night and you were there for some of it, other parts you may have found out by now if you are reading this.  But the story truly begins in the DYAD parking garage. I shot Nealon earlier that night... merde that was... it is how I found out the truth about what had happened to Rachel and about Leda and Castor. How Neolution is the one behind the projects. How it has been overseeing it from the beginning. He told me that because I would not join them and now knew the truth I would not live to see the morning. I knew that my time was limited the moment I took Rachel's position, and I knew there was a chance that I would die, and I was resigned to it. I would not go willingly but if it happened I knew I would do what I could to ensure it would not be meaningless. My death would have bought you the time you needed, it would have put them off of your trail for a small amount of time, enough perhaps. I don't know. I took care of everything that night, said goodbye to who I needed too, my affairs had already been in order for some time, and although I was going to run I knew there was a chance I would not make it._

_I heard footsteps behind me as I approached the car I was going to use to escape, and in that moment I knew my time was finished. You were the only thing I could think of ch_ _é_ _rie, and the last thought I had before I was shot was of you. I wondered what would happen to you. I wondered what kind of life you would have after I was gone. I hope that you have found happiness Cosima, or that you will someday. I have many regrets in my life but loving you was not one of them nor was agreeing to be your monitor. I would never have met you if I hadn’t, and no matter how short and heartbreaking our time together was, it is something that I will have cherished until my death._

_I’m alive for now however, although I do not remember much I do remember Krystal showing up. It wasn’t for her... I believe the ringtone of her phone is what saved my life. What she was doing there that night I have no idea. I had found her earlier that day. Nealon had tricked me, passing her off as Rachel, but I thought that she had escaped. It was likely that the second improbable thing of the night not happened I would be dead. Others arrived and took me and after that everything is a blur of pain and sedatives, though I do remember the sound of a helicopter. I guess I was of some value to them after all._

_I am on the island now, alive and recovering from the wound I received. A single gunshot to the liver, through and through, as they say. I am lucky to be alive, and although conditions out here can only be described as barely adequate I have survived. I do not remember much of the first few weeks, but I am well enough now to start working. My laptop has been returned to me, although I do not trust it, as has the notebook I am composing this letter in._

_I am not allowed to leave this hut, and my sole visitor is an older man for whom I have no love. He treated me and acted as my doctor, but he is also my jailer. I have no freedom here, and although I do not know why my life was saved but I now know that the scheme you and your sisters are caught up in is far larger then I thought. It is not only human cloning, it is genetic engineering, human experimentation, with the ultimate goal of achieving a better human. It was there all along in Aldous' speech, self-directed evolution. Only the self-direction was never meant to be the choice of the individual it was meant to be the choice of one man._

_I am imprisoned in a camp run by Neolution. A philosophy that has become more then we can comprehend, run by a man over 100 years old, and he is not an old man. I don’t know how but he has managed to extend his lifespan, by how much I don’t know but he is far older then his looks would suggest. The research I am conducting is currently in the genetic basis of immunity, trying to further an understanding of why certain people are immune to certain diseases. The Messanger, as he is known, told me that they were starting me with something easy._

_It’s incredible Cosima, the web they have woven, how far they have managed to insert themselves into positions of power and influence. I knew there was a web of corporations but I never knew how deep it went. Into the governments, into research, Neolution is trying to steer it all to build a better human and now I am a part of it. For now I will stay, play the role of the model prisoner and the willing convert. At least if I do the research, am part of the science as you would say, I will know how to stop it if it ever comes to that. This is all that I know Cosima, but I will ensure that the notes I keep are copied into this journal and hidden with this letter. If the worst should come to pass perhaps they will help. You and Scott will be able to use these to stop whatever they will use the research for and you will be able to help your sisters to bring this conspiracy to heel._

_If the worst does come to pass then I want you to know this: During the weeks before I was put to work and after the fever passed I had time to think. Mostly my thoughts turned to you, and to us._

_Do you remember the day we meet mon amour? Do you remember the fake transcript and the lies that I told you about a boyfriend in Paris?_

_I remember when I first saw you smile, it was as if something within me shifted. I was always supposed to get close to you, to become your friend. I was supposed to monitor you, to watch you and to steer you towards DYAD. I had not been told you were in danger before I met you, when I only knew you as a tag number, but when you smiled at me for the first time I knew I wanted... Non needed to keep you safe. As I got to know you, to see you at work, to talk with you and bounce ideas off of you and discuss concepts in depth I was amazed by you. Your mind worked so differently from my own, it saw possibilities where I hadn't seen them before and it was as if my mind was opening up to a whole new way to see the world. You fascinated me and drew me to you, I don't even know if you realized you were doing it. Before I knew it I was laughing with you, and everything that should have been a lie wasn't anymore. You had become my friend and filled a space that I had not known had been empty. The more you let me in the more I was drawn to you, your intellect and your spirit. It felt as if I had found my missing half, and when I was with you I felt whole._

_Then you kissed me. Ultimately it was Leekie who told me to get close to you because you weren't safe. You wanted me a lover, and it would give me a way into your home and into your life. I did it, but that moment, when I said that I had never considered bisexuality for myself was not an act, it was a genuine moment of realization. It was when I realized that I was attracted to you on more then an intellectual and spiritual level. I found you beautiful in a way I had never appreciated in a woman, your mind is brilliant Cosima, but you ma ch_ _érie are absolutely  beautiful._

_So much of our early time together was built on a lie, and even when the truth was finally out and we could be together there were still lies between us, there were still many secrets and there was still mistrust on both sides. Some of it I regret, perhaps if we both had been more honest with each other we would not be in this situation now. But we are here, and there is no way to change the circumstances of how we arrived in the places we are in._

_I said earlier in this letter that one of the things I didn't regret was loving you, but I think it was more then that. I think that meeting you and having the privilege of knowing you and allowing me to love you was one of the best gifts I have ever been given. Remember that no matter what has happened to me that you are loved by so many people, and you love them fiercely in return._

_Also know this please. Of all of the things that I have ever told you the one thing that I never lied about was the fact that I loved you, I still do, and always will. I meant what I said that day Cosima. I was never supposed to fall for you, in fact that is why I think I was positioned where I was, because your last two monitors had fallen in love with you. How could they not have though? You are impossible to resist, and I think from the moment we meet I began to fall for you too. I was simply a little slower in realizing it._

_Mon amour. My love. It is strange to write those words because the last time I spoke them was when we were talking, for the first time in our relationship we were truly talking. There were secrets and deception between us in that moment, but the truth came out. I loved you still and no matter how I tried to bury it underneath my façade I will never be able to stop loving you._

_I do not even know if you are alive to receive this, or if you have succumb to your disease... No you are still alive, I have to believe that or else... I do not know anymore. I do not know what I would do, but I know you and you will not stop until you have found your cure, if not for yourself then for your sisters._

_I believe in you Cosima, I hope one day I can tell you this myself. But if not and if you are reading this letter one day know this: I never stopped believing in you even with my last breaths._

_Je t'aime._


End file.
